Facing Reality

This will probably be one of my longest blogs.  The reason behind it is that I haven’t hardly blogged at all for March and there’s only one day left.  A lot has taken place during March.  School became overwhelming, I ran out of money, I filed a lawsuit against my ex-landlord to get my money back, one of my grandmother’s died, another one (who is my favorite) got diagnosed with breast cancer, I put aside my differences with everyone and forgave them, I changed from the one year track to the two year track at school, and I decided to be my own person and live my own life.  With that said, my faith has really been tried this month.  I’m a tough person on the outside but a baby on the inside.  I do my best to stay positive and think positive.  It isn’t always easy.  I don’t like to cry because I feel like I’m showing a sign of weakness or doubt.  But I do believe, it’s just that it’s hard facing some of my obstacles and adversities.  I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy road when I said “Yes” to God but I didn’t think it would be so difficult either.  God has His own timing and he is currently perfecting me.  I just have to be patient and allow Him the time He needs to make me into what He desires.  He is very considerate of me because most times He warns me first.  I sometimes wish I didn’t know when bad things were about to take place.  Funny thing is, I still panic.  I try to breathe and calm down so I can think but when the pressure is on I get anxiety.  God help me!  I did pass the test a few days ago when my car broke down twice.  The first day I panicked and failed but the next day the same thing happened but I changed my attitude.  God worked things out and my car is fine for the time being.

Looking back on my life, I’ve realized that everything that took place good and bad was meant to happen.  Look at Joseph in the bible, if he hadn’t been taken into slavery because of his brothers, when the time came, the famine would have killed them all.  But because Joseph had been in slavery and from there appointed one of the rulers in Egypt he was able to save his family.  I’m the Joseph of my family.  For twenty years I lived in bondage emotional and physically.  But now I’m free.  God is using me and blessing me to be a blessing for my family at their hour of need.  Not everything God has promised to me has taken place but they are in the making because I can see them and feel them.  I don’t like being in this position all the time but I don’t like telling God no either.  My family is important to me and whatever I can do to help, I’m just glad I’m available. 

Now I’m trying to figure out who am I and where do I belong.  This is really something you do earlier in life but for the last twenty years I wasn’t living.  I stopped living at age ten.  So I missed out on years of emotional growth, which is probably why I’m so sensitive and take a lot of things personally.  I over analyze things as well.  I see now that my beliefs, values, and opinions have been shaped by many influences from society, my religious upbringing, my mom’s family, my dad’s family, my god family, my schools, and the media.  I now have to sort through and sift out the good and throw the bad away.  It may take some time but I’m up for the challenge.  I have to relearn how to think for myself and formulate my own opinion about things.  For so long when I voiced my opinion, values, or beliefs, I was rejected and made to feel like what I believed was not normal.  I am ashamed that I’ve hidden who I truly am because of trying to fit in with everyone else and belong to people and places that didn’t accept me for who I was.  It seems like they were always trying to change my outside and inside instead of encouraging me and pushing me to be myself.  The people who were encouraging me to be me, I pushed them away because I did not value their wisdom.  I often times don’t know who to trust or who to believe in because I’ve been tricked so many times.  I’m afraid to get close and let my heart be hurt again.  God has a lot of healing to do in me before I can be any good for anyone else.  

I used to be firm in what I wanted out of life now I’m constantly changing with the wind.  I desperately want to find my place in society and do what really makes me happy.  I first have to figure out what true happiness is.  This is definitely an interesting journey and I’m glad to share it to help others.  One thing I know for sure I’m a great person who has many great abilities and when I get the chance I’m going to do everything in my power to change the universe.  I don’t know when or how but with God’s help it will happen.  Peace & Blessings! #fromlonertoleader

Reflection

So I’m six months into the Journey to a New Me stage.  I have grown a lot over the past six months.  I’ve have some good times and some challenges but I’m glad for the process.  The book is doing great and I’m thankful to God for that.  Pepperdine University is a wonderful school and I’m learning many new things as an educator.  I’ve changed some personal goals as I’ve reassessed my dreams.  Freedom is calling my name, and at this point being tied down to one location makes me feel suffocated.  I dream of riding free on a horse with the wind blowing in my hair.  I picture myself walking along the wet, sandy beach barefooted without a care in the world.  Then up ahead there’s a road that never ends.  It has stops along the way, but it keeps me guessing what’s up ahead.  This road is my ticket to freedom.  With every bump, turn, twist, and surprise it has in store for me, I’m staying on this path until I find my true happiness.

Side note: I recently discovered some heartbreaking news about how someone was brutally murdered because of choices they made that weren’t bringing harm to anyone.  Since when is it okay to take another’s life because they don’t believe or practice your values.  I thought we had the right to choose our own paths as long as we aren’t breaking the law.  God did not give us the authority to do His job.  I like how Jesus put it when he put those men in check for trying to stone Mary Magdalene. He said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” We don’t have a heaven or hell to put anyone in.  Besides that while you’re wasting time trying to condemn someone else and using all your energy to check everyone else for sinning, you end up sinning yourself.  Mind your own business and just pray for them.  We all have different belief systems and we value different things.  Let God be the judge! You have no idea what He is working on behind the scenes.  Keep your mouth off of people.  God loves us all and he draws us with love and kindness not cruel words, intentions, and actions.  I weep for all the people who have died, and suffered at the hands of want to be gods.  I pray for their souls as well.  God forgive me if I’ve caused anyone any harm and made them feel inadequate to deserve your love. You may not agree with their choice but what a person does is not your concern but the love you show them is!

Peace & Blessings #FromLonerToLeader